


World on Fire

by elbeen



Category: Grey's Anatomy
Genre: Angst, F/M, Friendship, New York City, Romance, September 11 Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-04
Updated: 2015-01-03
Packaged: 2018-03-05 06:46:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 11,900
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3110024
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elbeen/pseuds/elbeen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Takes place in Manhattan in 2001. Derek and Addison deal with the aftermath of 9/11, both in their personal and professional lives.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Wreck of the Day

**Author's Note:**

> This was written in 2006. It includes Addison and Derek's friends Savvy and Weiss, who were in episode 2x08. Warnings: Mentions of 9/11 and PTSD. I know 9/11 is a tough topic so I hope I wrote this in a way that doesn't offend anyone. I'm a New Yorker so almost all of us have a story of where we were on that day or someone we knew who was there, so I tried to handle this story as sensitively as possible.

_September 2001_

 

Addison Montgomery-Shepherd walked down the hall to the NICU with an air of confidence. She breezed past the nurses’ station, grabbing some charts and greeting the nurses. Anyone looking at her would assume she had the perfect life. She had a dreamy neurosurgeon husband, good friends, a brownstone overlooking Central Park, a summer home in The Hamptons, fabulous red hair, a great wardrobe, and shoes most people wished they could afford. To top that off, she was one of the best neonatal surgeons in the country.

Earlier that day she and Derek walked to work together, stopping at Starbucks on the way.

“Aren’t the colors beautiful?” Addison asked, looking at the trees with leaves that were once green but were now changing to yellow, orange, red, and brown.

“Yea. Don’t you think it’s early for the leaves to turn though?”

“I guess so. The weather is gorgeous though, it feels like it’s still summer. I wish we had the day off to do something outside!”

They both loved the summer and spending time at the beach. During the winter they enjoyed skiing in the Poconos, if they could get time off.

They had nearly reached the hospital when Derek spoke again, “Wow Addie, look how tall they’re making that building.” He pointed across the street.

Being New Yorkers, they weren’t fascinated by the skyscrapers anymore, but neither of them expected such a tall structure to be built right across from the hospital. 

“Not as tall as my Twin Towers!” She stuck her tongue out at him.

“Oh, you and those towers!” he joked, rolling his eyes as they entered the hospital. 

 

During her lunch break Addison flipped open her cell phone and checked her voicemail.   
  
“You have one new message.” *Beep* “Hey Addie, it’s Savvy. I’m just calling to see if you wanna get together for breakfast one morning, or lunch if that’s better. Give me a call on my cell when you get a chance.” *Beep* “To save message press 1, to erase message press 7, to…” She hit 7 and dialed Savvy’s number.   
  
Savannah had been one of her best friends during college and now she and Derek often went out with Savvy and Weiss. Addie and Savvy tried to make time for some girl talk, just as Derek and Weiss would sometimes go to a Mets game (or Yankees, depending upon who bought the tickets!) or to the bar to play pool.

“Hello?”  
  
“Sav? It’s Addie.”  
  
“Oh, hi! You got my message I guess?”   
  
“Yes. Breakfast sounds great.”  
  
“Good. When are you free?”  
  
“Let’s see…today’s Monday, so it’s the…”

“The 10th.”

“Right. Okay, I have a late surgery tomorrow, if tomorrow morning works for you.”

“Fine with me too. There’s this great place about three blocks from my office. Wanna go there?”

“Sure.” Her pager went off. “Oh, crap. I’ve gotta go. See you tomorrow.”  
  
“Okay, bye.”

 Savvy had recently started a new job at a law firm in the World Trade Center so Addison knew to meet her across the street from there.

 

The rest of Addison’s day at the hospital was relatively quiet and uneventful. She and Derek actually got off at the same time that night so they went out to dinner. Afterwards they rented _Sleepless in Seattle_ (it was Addison’s turn to pick the movie!), but they were both so tired that neither of them made it to the end of the movie.

 

The next morning Addison walked down the steps of the brownstone and noticed that everything seemed quiet and peaceful. The air had a warm breeze, making it feel like Indian Summer. She easily hailed a taxi to take her downtown.

They were supposed to meet at 8:30, but as Addison looked at her watch, she discovered it was already 8:40. A minute later she felt her cell vibrate.

“Hello?”

“Hey, it’s me. I’m running late, sorry! Wanna start walking to the café and I’ll meet you there?”  
  
“Okay, sure.”

Savvy gave her the directions and Addison started walking. She had only gotten about two blocks before she heard a loud noise followed by screams. She stopped short and looked behind her. All she could see was smoke and people running away. She turned around to go back and see what was going on, but there were too many people running towards her so she followed the crowd away from the scene, still curious and confused.

 

By 9:30 the second plane had hit the second tower of the World Trade Center and it was on every news channel.

Derek paced back and forth in a panic. He looked out the hospital window. Cell phones weren’t working and he had no other way of finding out if Addison was safe. He tried to convince himself that she should’ve been at breakfast before anything happened, but it didn’t stop him from worrying. He knew that soon they’d have quite a few patients coming from downtown and maybe it’d help keep his mind off of his wife.

Addison couldn’t believe what she was seeing. Her favorite buildings in the city were crumbling to the ground. People were jumping out windows, either to save their lives or to end them. She figured that she should get to the hospital; they would need a full staff today. She just couldn’t bring herself to move. It was almost as if her feet were cemented to the ground and all she could do was stand there and watch in horror the scene that was unfolding around her. She couldn’t reach Derek or Savvy or Mark or anyone; she guessed the cell phones weren’t working. She was starting to get worried. She still didn’t know exactly what was going on and her first reaction was one of fear; she started creating all kinds of possible situations in her head. There were rumors of a terrorist attack, but she tried to think logically and decided that people were probably overreacting. It was now 9:30 and she figured she should go to the hospital, if she could get there. Of course the subway wasn’t running and buses weren’t coming downtown. She considered taking a taxi, but she’d probably have to get to midtown before she could find a cab, so she decided her best choice was to walk. So she headed uptown, wiping away a few stray tears.

“Chief, isn’t there someone else who can perform this surgery? I’m still waiting to hear from Addison.”

“Didn’t you say she went out to breakfast with a friend?”

"Yes, but that was before the planes hit. Our friend works in that building. I don’t know if they were out by then or how far away they could have gotten and I’m really worried about her.”

The Chief sighed. “I understand. I’m sorry Derek, but a lot of surgeons can’t get in right now because the subways and buses aren’t running. We really need your help right now. I’m worried about Addison too, but I’ll let you know if I hear anything.”

“Okay, thanks Chief.” Derek walked away, looking down at the floor.

Patients from the World Trade Center had already begun to come in by the time Addison finally reached the hospital. She went to the locker room, changed into her scrubs, and then went to find Derek. He was just heading to a surgery.

“Derek!” she called down the hall.

He spun around. “Addison!” He walked over and threw his arms around her. “I was so worried.”

“I’m sorry. I tried to call, but I couldn’t reach anyone and I couldn’t get anywhere and…”

Her breathing was fast. He stroked her hair. “Shh. It’s okay. Breathe.”

“I-I was so scared Derek. Everything I saw, it just didn’t feel real. It was like watching the horrible tragedy scene of a movie.”

She didn’t often admit to being scared so he knew this must have really gotten to her. He gave her a kiss. “I have to go do a surgery now. You should rest.”  
  
“No, I’m okay,” she insisted. “I have to get upstairs, they need me.”

“Okay,” he replied hesitantly. “I’ll see you later.”

She nodded and they parted ways.

 


	2. A Moment Like This

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I realized that I didn’t really make it clear in the last chapter what happened with Savvy. When she said she was running late, she meant from home so she hadn’t gotten to work yet and she’s fine.

The next two weeks went by fairly normally. The hospital was even busier than usual, as can be imagined. Everyone was a little more on edge after learning that the United States had been attacked, and work was hectic, but the Shepherds managed.

During the last week of September they both had off on a Saturday night, which was rare, so Derek decided to surprise Addison with dinner reservations. He also invited Savvy and Weiss to join them.

Derek and Addison arrived first and decided to wait outside since the weather was still fairly warm. After a few minutes Addison’s phone rang.

“Hello?”

“Ad, it’s Savvy.”

“Oh, hi. Are you guys on your way?”

“Yea, the subway is slow. We’ll be there in five.”  
  
“Okay, see you then.”

She flipped the phone closed and remembered the last time she got a call like that from Savvy.

 “They’ll be here soon, they’re running late,” she explained. 

“Okay.” Derek looked up at the sky, still smoggy from the terrorist attacks. When he looked back Addison seemed pale and had a worried look on her face.

“Ad, are you okay?”

She steadied herself by grabbing his arm. “Yea, it’s just hard to breathe.”

“Do you want some water?” he asked, concerned.

She shook her head and he pulled her close, thinking she looked cold.

“Your heart is racing.”

“I know. I can’t calm down. I just feel…weird.”

She took a few deep breaths just as Savvy and Weiss came up the block. 

“I’m okay Derek,” she said quietly. “Don’t say anything to them.”

He nodded and they went to greet their friends.

They were enjoying their dinner and catching up on what they’d all been doing since they last got together. Just after their entrée was served, the conversation turned to September 11th when Weiss asked if they had had any interesting surgeries from that day. Derek and Addison shared their stories, some of tragedies and others of miracles. They’d all be lying if they said they weren’t affected by what happened that day, but the conversation didn’t last long because no one wants to discuss such a sad topic while they’re trying to enjoy dinner with friends.

When the dessert menus were brought to them Derek leaned closer to Addison and pointed to a picture on her menu. “Look at their strawberry shortcake. Doesn’t it look delicious?”

She nodded in response, but her mind was elsewhere.

 

_New York, 6 years earlier_   


_Derek and Addison stood on the observation deck of the World Trade Center. They leaned against the railing and stared at the stars in the clear night’s sky._  
  
“Look, a shooting star!” Addison exclaimed.

_“Make a wish.” Derek smiled at her._

_"I did. Did you?”_  
  
“Yup.”  
  
“What’d you wish for?”

 _“I can’t tell you!” he feigned surprise at her question. “You know it won’t come true if you tell someone.”_ _  
_

_“And you know that’s just what people say so they don’t have to tell anyone what they’re wishing for.”_

_“Okay, fine. But if it doesn’t come true, I’m blaming you!”_

_She smiled. “Deal.”_

_"I wished that you’d say yes to my question.”_

_“What question?” she asked curiously, trying to remember if he’d asked her something earlier that she hadn’t answered._

_He got down on one knee and pulled a small box out of his pocket._

_She turned to him, her hair blowing in the wind._  
  
 _“Addison Forbes Montgomery, I love you more than anything. I love how you get so excited at the first snow every winter and the way you see each obstacle as something that makes you stronger. I love that you buy a ‘Word-A-Day’ calendar every year, even though you know that by the end of January you’ll be so far behind you don’t even bother to catch up after that. And I love how sexy you look in your reading glasses. I’m amazed that after a long shift you still always have enough energy for a shopping spree. Even if your shoe collection will probably fill up my entire closet, I want us to spend the rest of our lives together. Will you marry me?”_  
  
She swallowed the lump in her throat and found her voice, “Yes. Yes, I’d love to marry you!”

 _He slid the diamond ring on her finger and she dabbed at the tears forming in her eyes._ _  
_

_They kissed and stood there with their arms around each other for a while before he spoke. “I’m gonna go get our dessert. I ordered it from the restaurant inside, but they said we could bring it out here.”_

_"Okay. I’ll just put a quarter in this cute little viewfinder and look at the city while I wait.”_

_“Ad, it’s dark. Do you think you can see anything?”_ _  
_

_She shrugged. “I don’t know, but I’ll try. I love these things!”_  
  
He smiled, tossed her a quarter, and went inside.

_Derek returned five minutes later with two glasses of champagne and two pieces of strawberry shortcake, which they ate under the starry Manhattan sky._

 

 _  
_“Addie?” Derek’s voice interrupted her thoughts.

“Uh-huh, what? Sorry.”

“What do you want for dessert?”  
  
She noticed the waiter standing beside their table. “Oh, nothing for me, thanks.”  
  
Her arms began to feel numb and she could feel her face get hot.

“Is it hot in here?” she asked.

The other three shook their heads. 

"Oh, just me I guess.” She smiled nervously. “Excuse me, I’ll be right back.”

Once she left the table Derek kept glancing nervously in the direction of the restrooms.

“Derek, do you want me to go check on her?” Savvy asked after a few minutes, noticing that he seemed worried.

“Uh…yea, just make sure she’s okay. Thanks Sav.”

 “I’ll be right back,” Savvy said as she left the table.

 She pushed open the door to the ladies’ room and walked in. After scanning the room, she could see that only one stall was occupied. 

“Addison?” she called softly.

All she heard in return was a sob.

Addison opened the stall door, knowing she couldn’t hide in there forever. She walked out, revealing her tear-stained face. Her complexion looked paler and her mascara had run down her cheeks.

“Addie?” she asked, concerned, “Are you okay?” There were very few times when Savvy had seen her friend cry like this. Addison was a fairly private person; she kept her pain to herself and wouldn’t allow herself to cry until she was sure she was alone, usually in the shower or her bed.

Savvy wrapped her arms around her friend. “What’s wrong? You know you can tell me anything. Let’s go sit and talk.”

Addison nodded and pulled back from her friend’s embrace. They walked over to sit on the couch in the corner.  
  
Addison took a deep breath. “I-I’m scared. My arms are shaky and numb, my heart is racing, and I’m dizzy. It feels like there’s a weight on my chest when I try to breathe. I’m hot one minute, cold the next, and I can’t focus. And I’m scared because I don’t know what’s wrong. This has been happening on and off for almost a week. One minute I’m feeling all these things and then soon after that I’m fine.”

“Try to keep breathing, deep breaths, it’ll be okay.”

“I don’t want to go to a doctor. I don’t want Derek to know. Whatever this is, I’m not ready to talk about it.”  
  
“Okay, I understand.”  
  
After a few more deep breaths Addison felt a bit better and they both went back to the table.  
  
“Is everything okay?” Weiss asked after they sat down.  
  
Savvy hesitantly looked over who Addison, who answered, “Yea, I’m fine thanks.”  
  
Derek kept a careful eye on Addison for the rest of the night, but she seemed to be okay. When it started to get late the four of them said goodnight and headed home.

Addison got into bed a while later and curled up close to Derek. He kissed her and she leaned in to cuddle. 

“Ad, are you sure you’re okay?” he asked before they fell asleep.

“Yup, fine. Thanks honey.”

He wasn’t sure if she was telling the truth, but he figured it was best to leave it alone for now.

 


	3. Weight of the World

Several hours later Addison jolted out of her sleep. She looked at the clock and its red numbers displayed 2:57. She shivered despite the fact that she was also sweating. She reached up to push the hair out of her eyes and felt tears on her cheeks. She was confused and tried to slow her breathing or even remember what had gotten her so upset. She decided to get up and make a glass of warm milk. She got back in bed a few minutes later, feeling calmer and tired once again. 

“What’s wrong?” Derek asked. _  
_

“Nothing, just a bad dream. Go back to sleep.”

He wrapped his arms around her and fell asleep comfortably. She stayed there in his arms, but awake, for a while longer as she thought about her dream. Or really, it was more like reliving a nightmare. All she could see was smoke and people covered in ash running and screaming. She saw the buildings crumble and the people jumping out of the windows. She wished she could get the images out of her head. Eventually they faded and she fell asleep still in Derek’s arms.

 

The next morning Addison opened one eye and felt around for the alarm clock. Once she found it she hit the snooze button, but she heard Derek get up.

She lifted her head up a bit and leaned back onto her elbows. “You’re getting up?”

“Yea. I have a big surgery this morning and I have to get ready.”

“Okay.”  
  
“Do you have any good surgeries today?”

“Uh…not yet, but you never know with some of those impatient babies.” She tried to joke despite the knot in her stomach. She lay back down and curled up in a ball. “I actually feel sick so I may stay home today.”

Derek’s head spun around. ‘ _Addison stay home? She barely ever takes time off.’_

He practically had to drag her home the day she insisted she was well enough to work and neglected to mention the fact that she had a 103 degree fever.   
  
She saw the look on his face. “It’s just my stomach, maybe a 24-hour bug or something. Don’t worry.”

“Do you want to go to the doctor?”

“No, I’m fine.”  
  
He sighed and continued getting ready.

Meanwhile she pretended to fall back to sleep. Derek walked back in to the bedroom before leaving for work, but he saw Addison lying there and he didn’t want to wake her. He kissed her forehead lightly and she pretended to stir. “Der-“ she started to whisper. 

  
“No, shh. You go back to sleep. I’ll be home as soon as I can. Feel better. I love you.”  


* * *

When Derek got home that evening he found his wife in the kitchen.

“Feeling better I assume? Or should I check for a fever? You never cook.”

“Ha-Ha, very funny,” she said sarcastically. “I do too cook…sometimes. I’ve been feeling better since around lunchtime.”

“That’s good.” He came up behind her, wrapped his arms around her waist, and tried to eat the carrot she was chopping up.

“Derek! Stop eating our dinner before I have a chance to cook it!” She made a face and playfully punched him in the arm. 

“Fine.” He pretended to be hurt. “I’ll go shower and change then.”  
  
“Okay.” She smiled at him.

“I missed you at the hospital today,” Derek commented later that night as they were lying in bed. 

“You did?” She smiled. “I missed you too.”  
  
The next morning they woke up to the sound of the alarm clock. Derek got out of bed as usual and started getting ready. He was more of a morning person than she was. He walked back in to the bedroom two minutes later and found Addison still in bed, now with a pillow over her head.   
  
“C’mon Ad, we’re gonna be late.”

“Mm hm pmf hmfhm,” came the muffled reply.

“What?”

She lifted the pillow. “I feel sick again. I don’t wanna go.”  
  
She loved her job so she couldn’t imagine why she didn’t want to go.   
  
He sat down on the edge of the bed. “This is the second morning you’ve felt sick and you’ve been acting weird lately. Are you…?” He paused and then tried again. “Are you pregnant?”  
  
She sat straight up. “No I’m not pregnant! Are you saying I look fat?” She asked, annoyed.   
  
Derek was flustered. “No, no, not at all.”

“Just go away Derek.” She tossed a pillow at him.

“Come on Ad, stop shutting me out. What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” she said insistently. She got up, grabbed some clothes, and headed to the bathroom. “I’m getting ready for work.”

They were both fairly quiet as they walked to the subway station.

 Once they sat down on the subway Derek sighed. “Addie, I’m sorry if I upset you this morning.”

“No it’s okay, I just got crazy over nothing.”  
  
They smiled at each other and he took her hand.

“So, are you gonna be in the gallery for Mark’s World Trade Center burn surgery today?” Derek asked after a minute.

"No,” she said quickly. “I, uh, I think I have a surgery at the same time.”

“Oh, okay.”  
  
Truthfully, Addison didn’t want to be near any World Trade Center victims because it made her feel sick to be reminded of that day.   
  
Once they arrived at the hospital they kissed and agreed to meet up later. Addison changed into her scrubs and went to the nurses’ station to grab her patients’ charts. She was about to walk away when she heard someone calling her.   
  
“Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd!”  
  
She spun around and saw that it was one of the new nurses.   
  
“Yes?”  
  
“Here’s another chart. A new patient was just admitted. Her baby’s breech and they think she may need a C-section soon.”  
  
“Okay, thank you.”

 She headed towards the new patient’s room first. 

“Mrs. Brennan?” She paused in the doorway. “I’m Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd.”  
  
“Hi. You can call me Rebecca, and this is my daughter Isabella. I’m sorry, I didn’t have anyone to watch her on such short notice.”

“That’s not a problem.” She waved her hand to dismiss the concern. “She can stay here for now and when it’s time I can bring her down to daycare for a while.”

 Rebecca nodded.

 After examining her, Addison noticed that she looked uncharacteristically sad for someone about to give birth.

“Rebecca, don’t worry, your baby is going to be fine. It’s not uncommon for a baby to be breech.” She paused, seeing that the woman was still upset. She quickly glanced at Rebecca’s hand and saw that she was wearing a wedding band. “Should I call someone? Maybe your husband?”

Isabella jumped in and said sadly, “Daddy can’t be here to meet the baby cause one day he went to work and a air-a-plane hitted his office, so he can’t come home anymore.” She paused and suddenly her tone changed and she seemed happier. “And now he’s in Heaven with the angels and he protects me and mommy. Daddy used to call me his angel. Before he went to work he said, ‘Bella, my angel, how much do I love you?’ and I said, ‘All the way up to the sky daddy!’”  
  
Bella went back to her coloring book and Addison bit her lip to keep from crying.

“I’m so sorry about your husband,” Addison said, directing her comment towards Rebecca. She turned to Isabella. “Thank you for sharing that story, Bella. I bet your daddy is watching over you right now and he’s gonna watch over the baby too.”

“Uh-huh. He’s a guardian angel.”  
  
“Yes.” Addison nodded. “I’ll be back in a little while. Try to relax, okay?”

Addison rounded the corner and flattened herself against the wall, taking shallow breaths. She wished she felt as brave as Isabella seemed.

 


	4. The Way We Were

A few hours later Addison had to go back and tell Mrs. Brennan that it would be best for the baby if she had a C-section later that afternoon. However, she was dreading going back to the room. Every time she went there she thought of that day, and that was something she was trying to forget. She couldn’t imagine the pain that woman was dealing with.

She stood in the doorway for a minute, watching Rebecca read to Bella before she knocked. 

“Hi Rebecca, Bella.” She looked at Rebecca. “Are you feeling okay?”  
  
“Yes.”  
  
“Good. I looked over your labs and I think it’s best if we schedule the C-section for later this afternoon.”  
  
“Today? Really? Not tomorrow?”

“Well we can wait, but I think it’s better if we don’t.”

Rebecca took a deep breath. “Okay.”

Addison added a note to Rebecca’s chart and froze as she wrote the date. “It’s the 11th of October…”

Rebecca nodded. “Exactly a month since…that’s why I wanted to wait.”  
  
“I understand. Excuse me for a few minutes.”  
  
She paged Derek.

He found her in an on-call room. “Addie do you need a consult?”

She shook her head.  
  
“But you paged me, right?”  
  
She nodded in response.

“What’s going on?”

She swallowed and took in a shaky breath.

“You can talk to me,” he assured her. “I always have time for you.”

“My patient…her husband died on September 11th and she has a 3-year-old daughter and she needs a C-section, but it’s exactly a month later and…I don’t know if I should wait or do this today. And the woman’s so nice and the daughter’s so happy and why-did-this-happen-to-them?” She said quickly, almost as if the sentence was all one word.   
  
She dabbed at the corners of her eyes.   
  
“Breathe Addison, slow down.”

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m not the type of person who can’t control her emotions!” 

He held her until he felt her breathing go back to its normal rate. “I don’t know why bad things happen to good people. But you’re a doctor, you see it all the time. We both do. And this time is hard on all of us. No one’s feeling quite themselves since the attacks. Do the surgery. I’m free for the afternoon, I’ll watch the little girl.”  
  
“Thank you, Derek.”  
  
Together they went to talk to Mrs. Brennan.   
  
A few hours later Addison performed the surgery and Mrs. Brennan successfully delivered a healthy baby boy.

Afterwards, Mrs. Brennan and Addison had a short conversation.

“How’s my baby?”

“He’s fine. He’s right here.” The nurses had wheeled his isolette in to the room a few minutes earlier.

“And how is Bella?”

“She’s good too. Derek is bringing her up here in a minute. Have you decided on a name for your son?”  
  
“Yes. Aidan Jacob Brennan. Jacob was my husband’s name.”  
  
“I think that’s a perfect name.” Addison smiled. “Do you want to hold him?”  
  
Rebecca nodded and the redhead handed the newborn to his mother.   
  
Just then Derek and Isabella came in to the room.   
  
“Mommy!” she squealed. “This is my baby?”

“This is your baby brother. His name is Aidan.”

“Hi Aidan, I’m Isabella. I’m your big sister!” She leaned in to hug him.

“Gentle Bella, he’s still tiny.”

“Okay.” She touched his hand instead.

“Thank you, both of you,” Rebecca said with tears in her eyes, as she held both of her young children.

 

Addison and Derek gave the new family some time alone and assured Rebecca they’d check continue to check on her and the baby until they were released.

 

The Shepherds were both on call that night so Addison tried to rest on a bed in the on-call room, but she couldn’t get her thoughts away from Mrs. Brennan and how she said they had recently moved to the city from Massachusetts because of her husband’s job. Addison remembered her first experience in the city. Her family had also moved there because of her father’s job. She was six-years-old at the time.

 

_New York City, 1974_

_“Addison, stay close to mommy. This is a big city and we don’t want you getting lost,” her mother warned._

_She walked closer to her mother, still tapping her black patent leather Mary-Janes on the ground._

_"Come here, jellybean,” her dad said as they reached the Twin Towers. “Look at how tall these buildings are.”_

_“Da-ad,” Addison complained, rolling her eyes, “I’m six now, I’m too old to be a jellybean!”_

_"Fine Miss Grown-Up Addie!” he joked._

_She opened her mouth to say something and then her jaw dropped when she saw how tall the buildings were. She had lived upstate her whole life and had never seen skyscrapers like this. It was her first weekend in the city so the only buildings she knew were her apartment building and her school. She’d traveled with her parents before she started school, but she was too young to fully appreciate the sites at the time._

_“Can we please go up to the top?” She looked at her parents._

_“Okay. We did set aside time for sightseeing, so why not?”_

_Once they reached the observation level she opened her little purse and pulled out a quarter._

_“Can I please put the quarter in and look through this little viewfinder to see the whole city?”_

_“Sure.”_

_A_ _ddison dropped the quarter into the slot and stood on the bottom metal ring so she could reach the viewfinder. Her wavy red hair blew in the breeze._

_She decided the viewfinder was similar to the telescope she’d had before they moved. She figured a telescope wouldn’t be as useful in the city because the buildings would get in the way of seeing the stars._

_Later they did some shopping on 5 th Avenue and went out to dinner._

_After dinner Mr. and Mrs. Montgomery decided it was time to go back to their apartment._

_"I don’t wanna go back yet,” Addison whined. “Can’t we see more of the city?”_

_“Not tonight. You have school in the morning.”_

_“But first grade is so boring,” she protested. “We don’t get to read chapter books, we don’t do enough science, and they’re_ just _learning how to add!”_

_Addison had always been academically advanced for her age, which made her parents proud._

_“We’ll talk to your teacher Ads,” her dad assured her, thinking that maybe they could give her extra work. “So, what was your favorite thing we did today?”_

_“I loved the Twin Towers and those cute little viewfinders!”_

_“Ah, yes, that was nice,” her mom added. “Maybe one day soon we’ll go eat at the restaurant up there.”_

_“Okay.” Addison smiled as the three of them headed back uptown._

Thinking of the happy memory, she drifted off to sleep.

 


	5. Only in my Dreams

She slept peacefully for a few hours until she felt someone shake her, gently at first and then a bit harder.

“Addison, wake up.”

Derek’s voice jolted her out of her sleep and she opened her eyes wide and drew in a quick breath. “What happened?” she asked, assuming he was waking her up because a patient needed her.

“You were crying and moaning in your sleep. I came in to see if you wanted to grab something to eat, but you were tossing and turning. Did you have another nightmare?”

Slowly she nodded her head, ashamed to admit it.

“Oh, Ad,” he said sympathetically and enveloped her in a hug. 

“I’m okay,” she lied. “I don’t even remember what the dream was.”

“Well, if you’re okay and since you’re awake now, we could lock the door and –“

Just then his pager went off.   
  
“Crap! These things have the worst timing!” he exclaimed.

She smiled weakly.

“Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Yup.”  
  
Addison sat on the edge of the bed, unconsciously twisting her wedding rings as she remembered what happened in her dream.

 

_Addison and Derek were at Savvy’s office in the World Trade Center when the first plane was headed towards the skyscraper._

_Suddenly the floor shook and there was an extremely loud noise. Addison instinctively grabbed on to Derek’s arm._

_“Come on, we have to get out of here!” she shouted as she attempted to lead him by the arm towards the staircase._

_“No Addison,” he replied. It seemed as if his body had been possessed. His voice was eerily clam for the situation they were in and it was void of any emotion. “Some things, like this building, weren’t meant to last forever. Goodbye Addie.”_

That was the last thing she remembered before being woken up. She tried to convince herself that it was just a dream; she was sure Derek would never leave her. As if to ease her mind, he returned a few minutes later.

“False alarm. Everything’s okay.”

“That’s good,” she managed to say, while still thinking about what Dream Derek had said. 

“So, where were we?” he grinned and leaned over to kiss her, but she pulled away.

“I’m not in the mood right now Derek, sorry.” She stood up and walked towards the door. “I have to go check on a few things. See you later.”

With that, she left. Derek sat on the bed, still confused.

 

At home they both tried to ignore the awkwardness of what happened earlier in the on-call room. The phone rang and Derek jumped up to answer it.

“Hello?”

“Hey Weiss! Yea, that sounds great. We’ll meet you there I guess?”

“Okay, see you later.”

“Hey, Ad,” he called in to the next room as he approached it.

“Uh-huh?”

“Savvy and Weiss have tickets for one of the last Yankee games of the season. It’s tonight, so I said we’d go.”

“Why did you say that?”

“Because we have the night off and you love when the four of us go to a game.”

“Well I don’t feel like it tonight. I’m tired and we have work tomorrow.”

“Come on, once you get there we’ll have fun,” he said, trying to win her over.

“No Derek, I said I’m not going,” she stated firmly.

He began to sound annoyed. “Well I already said we’d go.”

“Then call back and cancel,” she shot back. She took off her glasses, put them down on the table with the papers she was working on and headed to the bedroom, slamming the door behind her.

Derek sighed and went to call Weiss back.

The guys decided that they’d go to the game and Savvy would hang out at the brownstone with Addison and talk or watch TV or something.

However when he told Addison their plan, she still wasn’t happy.

“Derek, I just want to be alone tonight and get some rest! Why is that so hard for you to understand?” She bit her lip, immediately feeling guilty for snapping at him.

He walked away and into the kitchen, not wanting to fight with her again.

She jumped out of bed and called after him.

“What is it Addison?” he asked sharply.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have gotten mad, I’m just tired. It’s fine if Savvy comes over.”

She wouldn’t usually give in so easily, but then again she wouldn’t usually fight with him over something like this so she decided it would be easier if she just agreed to their plans.

“Okay. And I’m sorry for not checking with you first.”

He didn’t understand why she had been so short with him lately, but he figured it couldn’t hurt to apologize. Usually he would check with her about plans, but she was almost always fine with whatever they’d planned anyway, unless she was working.

She smiled and pulled him close until they were kissing.

“Should we finish what we started earlier?” Derek asked, raising his eyebrows.

“Oh, definitely,” she replied.

Addison wanted him to hold her forever; she felt safe in his arms. Without their lips separating they headed to the bedroom, Addison walking backwards and Derek guiding her. They hadn’t quite made it to the bedroom door when the doorbell rang. They broke apart and laughed at their bad timing once again.

Addison went in to the bedroom to change while Derek went to let their friends in.

“Hey guys! Come on in.”

They stepped inside, said hello, and Derek hung up Savvy’s coat.

Through the wall Addison could hear their muffled voices. She didn’t know what they were talking about at first, but she heard her name mentioned and then tried to listen.

“She’s just been acting so weird lately. One minute she’s fine and the next she’s distant. She cries for no reason, she snaps at me, she doesn’t want to go out…and then there are the nightmares.” He turned to Savvy. “Sav, could you try to find out what’s going on? She just pushes me away when I try to ask her, but maybe she’ll talk to you.”

Savvy nodded. “I’ll try. She can be pretty private when she wants to though.”

“And stubborn,” Derek added. “If she knew I asked you to talk to her she wouldn’t tell you anything.” He smiled.

Addison laughed to herself, knowing he was right. She did feel slightly guilty about the way she’d been acting, but she couldn’t really explain it to anyone. A minute later she emerged from the bedroom.

“Hi! How are you guys?” she greeted cheerily, hugging them both.

Derek and Weiss exchanged a confused look.

Once the men had left, Addie and Savvy settled on the couch with popcorn, hot cocoa (with marshmallows and whipped cream, of course!), and _You’ve Got Mail._

“So Addie, what’s new?”

“Nothing exciting. How about you?”

“Weiss and I are trying to have a baby.”

“Oh Sav, that’s great!” Addison said enthusiastically.

“If…when it happens, can you…will you be my doctor and deliver the baby?”

“Of course I will!”  
  
They hugged.

“I am so excited for you!”

“Well, it hasn’t happened yet…”

“But it will, don’t worry. Give it time,” Addison assured her friend.

Savvy nodded and gave a small smile.

“Hey, let’s celebrate!” Addison exclaimed and headed to the kitchen, returning a few minutes later with wine glasses and an unopened bottle of red wine.

The truth of the matter was that Addison was using this as an excuse to bring out the alcohol. She wanted to drink to calm her nerves and numb the pain she was feeling, but she had to remain in control of what she said since she promised herself that she wouldn’t tell Savvy what was going on. Normally she would, but she didn’t want to burden her friend with extra stress while she was trying to get pregnant. Besides that, she knew Savvy would tell Derek what she said because he’d asked her to, and she wasn’t ready to share this with Derek yet.

Addison had a few drinks and was only mildly tipsy when Savannah took away the wine and put it back in the kitchen, bringing Addison some tea instead. It wasn’t like Addison to get drunk on a weeknight at home for no real reason, which worried Savvy a bit.

“Come on Savvy, I’m just having fun!” she argued.

“Yes, and half the bottle was fun enough. Let’s just watch TV and chat.”

“Fine, party pooper,” she said, slightly annoyed.

A few minutes later things were fine between them again. Addison had forgotten that she was annoyed with Savvy for taking away the alcohol. Plus, she’d already had enough to make her giggly and forget most of her pain. So they chatted about their co-workers and spouses, sharing funny old memories and crazy future plans.

 

By the time the guys got home Addison was asleep on the couch and Savvy was dozing off in the chair while watching a rerun of _Friends._

“Hey guys,” Savvy whispered. “How was the game?”  
  
“Good,” replied Weiss.

“Did Addie tell you anything?” Derek asked 

“Nope, sorry Der. She even got a bit tipsy and still managed to keep her mouth shut.”

“Okay, thanks anyway.”

“We should go, it’s late,” Weiss said.

“Okay, yea,” Savvy agreed.

Derek said goodnight to them as they left.

“Tell Addison I’ll call her soon!” Savvy yelled back towards the apartment. 

“I will!” Derek called in return.

After Derek got his pajamas on he carried Addison to bed and she only stirred slightly when he put her down on her pillow.

He climbed in the other side of the bed and then she, only half-awake, spoke slurring slightly, “Derek, pleash don’t leav’me.”

“I won’t, I’m right here.”

“No, never ever ever. Not like Dream Derek…”

“What do you mean?”

He ran his hand through her hair but she was already asleep. Derek decided he should get some sleep too and he’d ask her about it in the morning.

 _'Dream Derek? Am I the one causing her nightmares?’_ He tried to ignore the uneasy feeling in the pit of his stomach.

 

The next morning Addison woke up in her bed, not remembering being carried there during the night, but that was the only explanation she could think of.

She walked in to the kitchen and found Derek making coffee.

“Hey.”

“Oh, hey. I didn’t realize you woke up.”

“Thanks for carrying me to bed last night.”

“Oh, no big deal. I’m surprised you didn’t wake up. I nearly hit your head into the doorway!”

She laughed. “And then, Dr. Shepherd, we’d have to call Mark to stitch it up nicely.”

“Speaking of Mark, you’re coming with me to watch his skin grafting surgery on that fireman today, right?”

She froze. “I thought that was yesterday.”

“He had to reschedule.”

“Oh.” She looked down, pretending to examine her polished nails.

Derek handed her a cup of coffee. “Go get ready so we’re not late.”

She nodded, accepting the coffee, and walked back towards the bedroom. _‘Maybe it’ll be fine. I worry too much.’_


	6. Beautifully Broken

On the subway ride to the hospital they talked about what to do for the holidays, how patriotic the city seemed now, and other random things.

Both of the Shepherds had to do rounds when they arrived at the hospital, but they decided they’d meet in the gallery of OR-3 around 10:00.

Addison entered Rebecca Brennan’s room; she was the last patient Addison needed to round on that morning.

“Hi Rebecca, how are you feeling this morning?”

“Pretty good. A little sore, but I guess that’s normal.”

“Yes, it’s perfectly normal.” Addison smiled reassuringly as she looked over Rebecca’s chart. 

“Hi Bella,” she said, noticing the little girl sitting quietly in a chair. “How do you like being a big sister so far?”

“Hi Dr. Mount-Gummy Shepherd! I love being a big sister! But it’s kinda boring so far. All I did was make a picture for baby Aidan.”

“Well, it’ll be more fun when you get home. You’ll get to help feed him and play with him and watch him get bigger, just like you.”

“Okay!”

“Rebecca, it says here that your son lost some weight last night, but that’s completely normal. I just wanted to let you know so you don’t worry if they bring him in for an extra feeding or two today, alright?”

“Okay, as long as he’s okay.”

She nodded. “He’s fine. I’ll be back a little later. Page a nurse if you need anything and they can get me.”

“Thank you.”

 

  
She dropped some files off at the nurses’ station and went to the gallery. She got there just as the surgery was starting.

“Hey,” Derek greeted, handing her some juju.

“Thanks.” She smiled and they sat down next to each other in the front row.

They could hear music and eventually figured out that the radio in the OR was tuned to the local Top 40 station, which was probably the patient’s request, or Mark decided he wanted some music.

Derek and Addison finished drinking their hot chocolate. After a half hour Addison decided she was okay. She was sitting there calmly and watching as if it were any other surgery, so she was fine as long as she didn’t think of how the fireman had gotten his face burned.

She and Derek started talking about how smoothly the surgery was going. A few minutes later the song on the radio changed and _Fallin’_ by Alicia Keys could be heard in the OR and the gallery. After only a few lines Addison’s mind flashed back to those two buildings and people jumping. She tried but she couldn’t get the images out of her head. She vividly remembered hearing that song just before stepping out of the taxi to meet Savvy, minutes before the attacks. Since then the song has always reminded her of that day.

She felt the panic rising in her chest and her heart started racing. She tried to take deep breaths to calm down, exhaling slowly through her mouth while closing her eyes, and hoping no one noticed her erratic breathing. Her breaths became more shallow since the deep breathing wasn’t helping her calm down, and she was afraid of hyperventilating or passing out.

She took a shallow breath and stood up, turning to look at Derek as she exited the gallery. “Be back…minute, Der…”

The door slammed behind her and the other doctors in the gallery looked at Derek. He shrugged and turned back to watch the surgery, pretending what just happened was normal and he wasn’t concerned. A few minutes later when she hadn’t come back, he decided to go find her.

He found Addison sitting on a gurney in the empty hallway. Her knees were drawn up to her chest, her head was down, and he could see her body shaking as she sobbed.

Derek walked quietly towards the gurney. He sat down next to Addison and put his hand on her back. “Addie?” he said softly.

She gasped, not having realized that anyone had come down the hall.

“It’s okay, it’s just me,” he said soothingly. “Are you okay?”

“Do I look okay Derek?” she snapped. “I’m not okay, I haven’t been okay in over a month and I have no idea what’s wrong.” 

She took a few shallow breaths and whispered, “I’m scared.”

He knew it was hard for her to admit that.

“Don’t worry babe, we’re gonna fix this.”

“But I don’t even know what’s wrong.” She attempted to stop her tears, but it wasn’t working. She’d been keeping all her emotions bottled up for the past month and now it was as if the bottle had shattered and there was no way of containing the emotions anymore.

Addison hated this. She hated feeling vulnerable.

She looked at him and then back at the floor. “I guess I thought you’d notice or it’d just go away. And…I was kinda ashamed so I didn’t want anyone to know. I’d probably sound pretty crazy if I tried to explain this to someone.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t notice more. But you can’t keep everything to yourself. We have to be honest with each other.”

She nodded. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize. You were just trying to deal with everything. I should have noticed. What’s been going on?”

She took a deep breath. “I just get really uncomfortable in certain situations and I kinda freak out. It’s silly really. Mark says they’re panic attacks, but I don’t know.”

“Wait, why did Mark know about this before I did?”

“He was there…and you weren’t. It wasn’t your fault, you were in a surgery. I didn’t mean to tell him. He just saw me in the hall one day trying to calm down and…he noticed.”

Derek sighed. _‘Mark noticed and I didn’t. What’s wrong with me?’_

“I’m never too busy for you. Why does Mark think you’re having panic attacks?”

“Well my heart races, it’s hard to breathe, I get hot and then cold, my arms feel numb, and I get dizzy.”

“Ad, you’re a doctor, how did you not recognize the symptoms?”

“I don’t know. I’ve been busy so I just didn’t have time to pay attention to myself.”

“You have to take care of yourself. Maybe you should talk to someone who could help you figure out why they’re happening.”

“No I can’t, uh, don’t want to do that.”

Him suggesting that she see a psychologist annoyed her.

 _'I’m not crazy and I don’t need therapy.’_ she thought.

Plus, the idea of therapy scared her a bit and she didn’t want anyone thinking she was crazy. As a doctor she knew better than to think that way, but as a person she was well aware of the stigma surrounding people who went to therapy.

“But you don’t wanna keep feeling like this. And what if you had a panic attack in the middle of a surgery? Could you work through it or would you have to stop? What if someone’s life was in jeopardy?”

“I don’t need a lecture right now, Derek!”

“I know.” He sighed. “I’m sorry. Let’s get you home for now.”

“I’m fine,” she insisted.

“Okay, but we can go home for a bit and you can get some rest and come back later today.”

She was too tired to argue. “Fine. I just have to check on Mrs. Brennan first.”

“I’ll come with you.”

She sighed and they headed to the fifth floor. When the elevator doors opened Addison put on her professional façade.

“Hello, Rebecca,” Addison said as she picked up the woman’s chart.

“Hi Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd and Dr. Shepherd.”

“Dr. Derek’s here?!” Bella jumped out from behind the chair.

“Hi Dr. Derek and Dr. Addie!”

After being called Dr. Mount-Gummy, which sounded like something from a _Candy Land_ game, Addison decided Bella could just use their first names.

“Hey Bella,” Derek said enthusiastically, “What are you doing?”

“Hiding!” she replied, grinning.

“Honey, show the doctors what you made for them,” Rebecca said after Addison was finished checking her vitals.

Bella ran to the corner of the room and grabbed two pieces of paper.

“This one’s for you.” She excitedly presented the picture to Derek. “It’s you and me when you showed me your doctor tools. And look,” she pointed at what she’d drawn; “I’m wearing the stefoscobe!”

“I know. The stethoscope is your favorite! Thank you so much for the beautiful picture Bella, I love it.”

He hugged her and then she went over to Addison. “And this is for you!” she smiled and her face lit up. “It’s you and my mommy and baby Aidan a’cause you helped him be born!”

“Thank you Bella! I’m gonna hang this up on the refrigerator when we get home.”

She hugged Isabella and the little girl smiled proudly.

Rebecca had written ‘Dr. Shepherd’ or ‘Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd’ on the top of each of the pictures and she dotted the words ‘Love, Isabella’ and then Bella traced over them with a crayon.

“It looks like you’ll get to go home later in the day tomorrow or early the next morning,” Addison concluded after making some notes on Rebecca’s chart. “Aidan should be ready to go by then too.”

"Thank you again.”

A nurse knocked on the door. “Mrs. Brennan? You have visitors. Your sister and brother-in-law and their children are here.” She looked at the Shepherds. “Is this a good time, doctors?”

“Yes, it’s fine. We’re just leaving.”

Addison turned to Rebecca. “Have fun with your company.” 

She was glad that Rebecca had family members who were visiting. Earlier, Rebecca had mentioned that her parents were afraid to fly, especially into New York, after the terrorist attacks so they were driving up from Florida but it’d still probably take them another day.

“Derek, I definitely want to have children,” Addison said suddenly on their walk home. “Not right now, but some time in the next five years maybe.” She held her breath and waited for his response.

“Me too, Ad.” He leaned over and kissed her. They continued their walk home, holding hands.


	7. Miniature Disasters

Later that evening Addison, Derek, and Mark went to Savvy and Weiss’ apartment since it was their turn to host the group’s monthly “dinner and a movie” get together. It was usually just the five of them unless Mark brought whoever he was currently dating. This month there wasn’t anyone he wanted to spend time with so he went alone. Besides, he wanted to keep and eye on Addison because he saw her having a panic attack in the corridor the other day and she’d been acting different lately.

Weiss cooked some of his special ‘pasta and chicken a la vodka’ and they decided to watch _Summer of Sam._ They settled in the living room; Weiss in their new recliner, Derek and Savvy on opposite ends of the couch with the popcorn resting on the middle cushion, and Addie and Mark on the floor because she insisted it was comfortable and he still wanted to watch her even though she seemed fine at dinner. He knew she could put up a good façade. The guys had beers while Addison and Savvy tested out Savvy’s new Margarita mix, and there were chips and dip on the coffee table.

The five friends focused their attention on the movie because they were interested; if the movie wasn’t good enough they’d usually end up talking through half of it.

Addison was having trouble focusing; her thoughts were racing. She’d always been somewhat intense so it was no surprise that she was thinking of twelve other things as she tried to follow the movie, including what she had to do when she got home, her patients, and what she should do the next day. Usually she was able to relax when she was with her friends, but something was different tonight. She became overwhelmed by her thoughts and began to panic. She felt like she might throw up.

“I’ll be right back,” she said, excusing herself to the bathroom.

Her arms were visibly trembling and her face was pale. She was light-headed and her legs felt like jelly, but she made it to the bathroom without falling over. She closed the door behind her and slid to the floor, taking shallow breaths. After a few minutes she slowly got up, closed the toilet lid, and sat down. She put her head between her knees, trying to end the dizziness. She heard a knock at the door.

“I’ll be right out!” she called.

“Addie, it’s me,” Derek answered. “Are you okay?” He had noticed that she’d been gone for a while.

“Um…yea…fine,” she said, unconvincingly.

He waited outside the door for her.

She stepped out, ready to pretend she was fine, although she knew she wasn’t ready to go back to the living room. When she saw Derek waiting, her emotions took over.

“Take me home Derek, please,” she pleaded, her eyes welling up with tears.

“Okay honey, we’ll go. Are you feeling okay?” He pulled her into his arms.

“I don’t know. I just know I need to leave.”

He took their coats and explained to their friends, “I’m gonna take Addie home. She doesn’t look so good.”

Addison knew she was slowly coming unraveled and she couldn’t hide it from her friends much longer so she walked in to the living room, only slightly embarrassed by her tear-stained face.

' _I have to be strong. I can do this. I can stay here and explain to them what’s going on and not panic. They’re not going to laugh at me or think I’m crazy,’_ she told herself.

“Derek, it’s okay, I want to stay. They’re our best friends. I should tell them what’s going on.”

“Only if you’re ready to tell us,” Mark said, not wanting to push her.

She nodded. “I have to be.”

Addison sat down on the couch next to Savvy, and Derek sat on her other side. He put his hand on her thigh and she rested her hand on top of his.

“Lately I’ve been having panic attacks for no reason, like before when we were watching the movie. And I’ve been overly sensitive in certain situations and crying way too often, and I’ve been snapping at Derek when he doesn’t deserve it.” She paused, taking a deep breath, and Savvy squeezed her hand for support. “Then there are the nightmares. They always have to do with the Twin Towers. I just feel…” She had gotten that far without crying and she wanted to finish what she was saying but she could already feel the tears threatening to spill out of her eyes. She continued, “I just feel like a mess lately and I don’t know why. I’m sorry I’ve been a horrible friend lately. I just wanted to deal with this myself. I didn’t want anyone else to know.” She wiped at her eyes and instinctively held her breath as she waited for their reactions.

“Don’t be sorry,” Mark started. “This isn’t your fault. And you haven’t been a horrible friend.”

“Thanks.”

Weiss spoke next, “Yea, we’re here for you, don’t worry. Do you think it’s because you were so close to Ground Zero on September 11th?”

She shrugged. “I don’t know. Maybe.”

They looked at Savvy who hadn’t said anything since before Addison started speaking.

“Oh Addie, I’m so sorry. This is all my fault,” she said, holding back tears.

“No, no. Why do you think that?”

“Because I was running late that day. If I was on time we would’ve been at the café by then and you wouldn’t have seen what you did.”

“You can’t blame yourself,” Addison replied calmly. “If you were on time that morning you may still have been inside the building. And what if we lost you? That would have been a hundred times worse than this.”

“So, you’re not mad at me?”

“No, of course not.” She leaned over to hug her friend.

“Ad, you should talk to someone,” Mark suggested.

She rolled her eyes. “That’s what Derek said too.”

“I think that’s probably the best idea,” Weiss added.

Addison looked at Savvy, who nodded in agreement with her husband.

She looked at Derek, who raised his eyebrows as if to say ‘I told you so.’

“Fine. I guess I’ll give it a try.”

They talked for a while longer, not about Addison’s problem, but just about whatever was going on in their lives. Addison felt herself relax a bit and she enjoyed the rest of the evening.

 

Later that night as she and Derek were lying in bed, he decided to ask her about Dream Derek and what she said that night she was drunk.

“Okay I’ll tell you, but please don’t hate me,” she replied.

“I could never hate you.”

“It only happened in that one dream. But it was September 11th and we were in Savvy’s office when the plane hit. I wanted to get out of there, but you – you said, ‘Some things, like these buildings, weren’t meant to last forever,’ and you were implying that we weren’t meant to last.” She was trying so hard not to cry; she felt like she had done way too much of that lately. But the feeling of Derek leaving her, even if it was only a dream, was devastating and the tears were slipping down her cheeks before she had a chance to stop them.

“It was just a dream. You know I don’t feel that way about us.”

“But it felt so real.”

“I know, but I’m right here and I’m not going anywhere.”

“Okay,” she whispered.

He pulled her close and she rested her head in the crook of his neck and they both drifted off to sleep.


	8. Fix You

“And when did these panic attacks start?” Dr. Warner, a psychologist, asked Addison later in the week.

“Um…about a month and a half ago.”

After a few more simple questions he got to one that really struck Addison.

“And where were you on September 11th?”

“I – wait – why are you asking that?”

“It’s a new question most therapists are asking their patients because some people are having trouble coping with it, which is understandable.”

“Well, I was just a few blocks away from Ground Zero. I was waiting for a friend who I was supposed to have breakfast with.”

“How did you feel being so close?”

“I felt…” she searched for a word, “helpless. I was scared and I couldn’t reach anyone and I didn’t know what was going on.” She paused. “I’m a doctor. I should’ve been helping but I was too afraid to go closer to the buildings. People were dying and I could have tried to help, but I didn’t.” Her eyes were glistening with tears. “And I – I tried to get to the hospital, but it took forever. And what I saw…” She trailed off for a minute and then continued. “All the smoke and the people. The people jumping. I can’t get that horrible image out of my head. And I should be more okay with this because I was lucky. Some people’s lives were drastically changed that day, in awful ways. But every time someone mentions anything to do with 9/11, I just freak out. Even when I’m not thinking about it I have nightmares and it feels as if I’m reliving it, and it’s just terrifying.”

She took a deep breath and sat quietly for a minute. She hadn’t meant for all of that to spill out so quickly, but once she started talking about it she couldn’t stop.

She looked down at her hands and a few tears slowly trickled down her cheeks.

Dr. Warner was an older man, maybe in his 60’s. He could be firm if need be, but he saw that Addison needed someone to be gentle with her right now. He reached over to grab a box of tissues and handed it to her.

“Thank you,” she said sheepishly and accepted the tissues.

“Addison, you are a doctor, but you couldn’t have helped those people. You did the best thing by keeping yourself safe and going to the hospital to help people there.”

“I know, but I still feel guilty.”

“That will go away in time.”

She shrugged and nodded. “But the memories…”

“The memories will never go away, but it will get easier to think about them.”

“How will it ever be easy to think about people jumping out of buildings to take their lives? I know I’m a doctor and I see death, but not like this.”

“I know it’s hard.” He leaned back for a moment and thought. Then he spoke again, “Is there anything else you want to tell me?”

Addison shook her head. “No, I don’t think so,” she said quietly.

“Okay. Well, I think you have post-traumatic stress disorder and I’m going to prescribe you a low dose of an anti-anxiety medication to help you for the next few months and then we’ll see from there.”

“You think it’s PTSD?”

“Yes. Do you not agree with that?”

“No, that sounds right now that you say it. I just can’t believe I didn’t think of that before.”

“Well you’re not a psychologist, no one would expect you to have known that’s what it was. Are you okay with what I’ve said for our future plan?”

“Yes. Thank you.”

A few minutes later she left his office with a prescription for Xanax and another appointment in three months.

Addison didn’t know how to feel. In all honesty she didn’t feel anything; she just felt numb.

She decided it couldn’t hurt to indulge in a little retail therapy. After sprucing up her wardrobe with a few new things from Nordstrom, Bloomingdale’s, and Banana Republic, she headed back to the brownstone.

 

Once she got there she put on some sweats and curled up in bed with her new ‘chick-lit’ novel. Halfway through the first chapter she felt tears rolling down her cheeks. The book wasn’t sad so she couldn’t understand why she was crying. She figured that maybe it was because she didn’t know how to deal with whatever she was feeling. Or maybe it was because she was lonely. She needed Derek and he wasn’t there. He said he’d be home when he got out of surgery. He was hoping to get out early but he told her he wasn’t sure exactly what time it would be. She just laid there staring at the ceiling and thinking.

Derek came home about two hours later and found his wife lying in bed, staring at the wall. When she turned to face him he could tell she’d been crying because her eyes were still red and swollen. He got in to bed and wrapped his arms around her.

“Hey honey. I’m sorry I didn’t get back sooner.”

“It’s okay,” she whispered, still not making eye contact.

“Look at me. What’s wrong? Tell me what happened today.” He spoke in a soothing voice.

She felt the tears sting behind her eyes, but she willed them not to fall.

“Addie, you can’t keep everything bottled up inside all the time. Please talk to me. You know you can trust me.”

Her resolve crumbled and she allowed a few tears to escape down her cheeks.

Derek used his thumbs to wipe them away. “Hey, it’s okay. I love you babe, no matter what.”

She nodded and reached up to wipe her eyes. Derek put his hand over hers, lightly trailed it away from her face, and pulled her close to kiss her.

A few minutes later she composed herself and explained to him what the psychologist had said.

“PTSD is nothing to be ashamed of and neither is medication.”

“I know. But it’s me, Derek.”

“And you’re afraid everyone will find out that you’re not perfect, and you need help sometimes too?”

She gave a weak smile. “Yea, I guess so.” She thought for a minute. “I must seem crazy right now.” She laughed a little.

“Well I like crazy and imperfect Addie better than perfect and uptight Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd.”

“It’s work Derek, I have to be professional.”

“I know, but I just meant—“  
  
She cut him off, “I know what you meant.”

“So are you gonna do what the doctor suggested?”

“I guess it can’t hurt.”


	9. Today Has Been Okay

The next day Addison began taking her new medicine and tried to stay calm by reassuring herself that she’d be fine.

When she reached Mrs. Brennan’s room she found the woman sitting up and holding her son. Bella was sitting on her lap and they were looking through a book. Both Rebecca and Bella were smiling. 

Addison smiled too. She didn’t want to disturb their family time so she decided to come back later to discharge them. As she walked away she thought about all they had been through in the past few months and how it might be hard for a while, but the three of them would eventually be okay.

 

The next few weeks went by fairly quickly. Addison was having fewer panic attacks and her nightmares were lessening as well. She managed to keep herself calm at work and if the topic of 9/11 was brought up somewhere else, she just tried to deal with each situation as it came. She didn’t feel completely back to her old self, but she was getting there. She felt safe walking around Manhattan alone again, aided by presence of extra policemen in Penn Station and other important places. The people of the city were still patriotic and friendlier than they had been, but the air of fear was gone. 

 

Two days after Christmas, Addison unlocked the door to the brownstone after a long shift and found Derek sitting on the couch, reading _The Sun Also Rises_ and watching the 10 o’clock news.

“Hey, Ad.”

“Hey, honey.” She walked over and sat down on the couch next to him. He put the book down.

“Is this like the fifteenth time you’ve read that book?!” She smirked.  
  
“No. It’s only the seventh. And, for your information, I’m not reading it. I was just skimming through it to remember certain details.”

He leaned over and kissed her. Then he put his arm around her and she leaned against him as they turned their attention to the TV.

The next news story started, _“This is a video of the crowds this morning at the newly opened viewing dock over Ground Zero. The line began…”_

“Sorry. I’ll change the channel.” Derek reached for the remote, but Addison grabbed his hand.

“It’s okay. Leave it.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.” She settled back against him and they watched the rest of the story.

“You have off tomorrow morning, right?” she asked.

“Yea. I don’t have to go in until 4.”

“Good. I don’t have anything until after lunch either.”

“Oh, that’s nice.” Derek furrowed his brow, unsure of what she was trying to say.

“I want to go to the viewing deck tomorrow. Will you please come with me?”

“Why do you want to go there?”

“I have to, Derek. I need to go back there and confront my fears. I need closure.”

He saw how determined she was and agreed to go with her.

“I’m scared, Derek,” she whispered.

“I know. Don’t worry, I’ll be right there with you.”

She nodded.

He kissed her and pushed her back so she was lying flat on the couch and hovered over her, their lips still attached. He sat up and grinned.

“Derek,” she said teasingly, “we’re not even in the bedroom!”

He lifted her in the air as she squealed. “Ahh! Derek, put me down!”

He set her down on their bed.

“Now we’re in the bedroom,” he said suggestively.

 

The next morning they both got up and dressed at an earlier hour than they normally would on a day off. Both of them were fairly quiet that morning.

They took the subway downtown and Derek grasped Addison’s hand during the entire ride. She just concentrated on breathing evenly and calmly.

When they neared Ground Zero they joined the line of people waiting to see the ruins and remains. Most people were quiet as they waited. Some were wiping tears or looking at photos they brought. Others were taking pictures.

When Addison and Derek reached the front they stepped on to the deck and peered through the glass. It looked like any other construction site, but felt different. It seemed as if there was a giant hole in the city, since it was surrounded by skyscrapers.

Addison leaned against the railing, staring at the place where the World Trade Center once stood. Tears formed in her eyes, but did not fall, as she thought of all her memories there and the tragedy that happened there just a few months earlier.

“You okay, Addie?” Derek asked, walking over and putting his arm around her waist.

Addison wiped her eyes and turned to him.

“Yea, I’m okay. Let’s go.”

She took one last glance back at Ground Zero.

 _‘I’m going to be fine,’_ she thought to herself and smiled, grabbing Derek’s hand as they walked away.

 

 


End file.
